To Do List
by caitgraz
Summary: Hermione is bored with Ron, so she makes a ToDo List of the people she plans on doing that school year. She plans on completeing the list i.e., shagging everyone by the end of the year. Hogwarts will never be the same...PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Harry

_**Dear Diary,**_

I've decided to flip over a new leaf. From this moment on, I will no longer be "Nancy Know-It-All." Instead, I shall be "Nancy NOT-Know-It-All."

See, it all started when I was snogging Ron. Oh, right...we've been in a functioning relationship now for a solid 3 months. And the other day, I was locked in a passionate embrace with him when I realized I was bored. So as he kept snogging my lips off, I thought about making up a "To-Do" List. Because Ronald just wasn't cutting it for me, I mentally made a list of all the people I would like "to do" in our school.

Now, I will record all my accomplishments in this diary. It is the beginning of my sixth year, and I plan to finish the list off by the end of the year.

Oh darn, Ron just walked into the room. And he's got "that look" on his face. He probably wants to get naked. Well, he won't have me that easily! I like to play hard to get. So, that's all for now!

_**Luv luv, Hermione**_

****

"'Ello poppet!" Ron strutted into the room and pecked Hermione on the lips, but not before he tripped.

"Hi, Ron." Hermione grinned widely at him and shoved her diary into her bag. "How was detention?"

"Peachy, luv. I really enjoy polishing things!" Ron smiled stupidly and "Wingardium Leviosa"-ed his socks from his trunk.

"I was just about to start folding socks, would you like to join me?" Ron held up a pair of pink fuzzy "My Little Pony" socks from Sox Market.

Just then, Harry walked into the room. As his eyes wandered, they fell upon Hermione and their eyes locked.

"Actually, Ron, I'm, er...going to bed..." Hermione stood up.

"Well, I'm off to the library, if anybody would like to know!" Harry yelled rather loudly as he exited the portrait hole.

Hermione stood standing for a moment before heading out the portrait hole herself. She was heading down the hallway when she decided to stop into the bathroom for some "protection."

Once she got to the lavatories, however, she thought better of it and instead rolled up her skirt to make it shorter, unbuttoned her blouse a bit, gave her hair a fluff, and swiped on some lipgloss. She glanced at herself in the mirror, but realized something was missing, so she took off her bra and flushed it down the toilet. Feeling complete, she winked at her reflection before trouncing into the hallway.

As Hermione rounded a corner, she felt a pair of hands grasp her around the waist and pull her into a deserted Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.

"Oh! Harry! You scared the pants off of me!" Hermione giggled and pushed him away.

"That was the point!" Harry grinned evilly and pulled her closer, pressing his mouth against her in a desperate kiss. Hermione deepened the kiss as Harry's fingers raced to unbutton the rest of her blouse.

Harry spun Hermione around in excitement, and she opened her eyes to see more eyes staring back at her.

"Ugh, you utter CREATON!" Hermione pushed Harry away and tugged her shirt down. Damn this interruption! "The door has been open this whole time!" she whispered frantically, eyeing the tragic first years oggling them in the doorway.

The gaggle of first years stared at Harry in admiration.

"Let's go, tiger." Hermione pulled Harry out the door.

"May I just say, sir," said one of the children, grabbing Harry's arm and temporarily stopping the couple, "that you are an inspiration to all of us!" The first years all nodded their heads in agreement.

"Yes, I know, bow down to the master." Harry winked at them as Hermione pulled him around the corner.

"Way to go!"

"Go get her!"

The cheers and singing of "He's a Jolly Good Fellow" echoed behind them in the hallway. Harry puffed out his chest with pride, but then deflated when Hermione punched him in the stomach.

"Where should we go now?" She demanded, crossing her arms.

"NO! Don't cross your arms!" Harry started jumping frantically. "I know–let's go to the Astronomy Tower!" He quickly grabbed her hand and they ran down the hallway, laughing.

"Oh Harry," Hermione giggled as they burst into the Astronomy Tower, safely closing and locking the door behind them.

Harry pushed Hermione up against the wall and pushed his tongue deeper down her throat.

Ten minutes later, they came up for air, and Harry was jumping up and down with excitement.

"Naked naked naked!" He coaxed, pulling off his shirt and pants, then his shoes.

"Now now, darling, I'm not sure if I want to anymore." Hermione flicked the collar on her blouse and slowly sank to the ground.

"WHAT! NO! I WANNA DO IT WITH YOU!" Harry quickly transfigured a telescope into a plush red love bed. Then he got down on all fours and crawled to her, pathetically begging. "PUT OUT, WOMAN! PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP! AND A CHERRY! AND SPRINKLES! AND I WANT YOU ON TOP!" He suddenly grabbed her and threw her onto the bed.

Hermione giggled. "Well, you are _so_ convincing..." she pulled off her shirt and whipped off her skirt. She didn't have to worry about her underwear, because she wasn't wearing any.

The two dove under the covers and shagged for all of England.

7 hours and 32.027 minutes later, the two pulled out, panting.

"Wow..." Hermione gasped.

"Happy nipples!" Harry exclaimed.

"Ok, well, we've been gone long enough, I think it's time I get going." Hermione stood up and started to get dressed.

"No! Please no!" Harry moaned.

"Oh, suck it, queer." Hermione rolled her eyes at Harry, who was weeping to himself in the fetal position.

"See you later, luv!" Hermione started out the door, but stopped and turned back. "OH, and one more thing–tell anybody about this, and you will be sorry." She glared at him madly for a few minutes while he cowered on the bed. Then she turned on her heel and left.

"Hello, Ronald!" Hermione strutted into common room and gave Ron (who was still folding socks) a kiss on the forehead.

"Hiya, Hermione! Hey, do you wanna help me fold some socks?" Ron grinned and held up a purple paisely sock. "Although I can't find this purple one's match..." A tear ran down his cheek but he wiped it away quickly.

"No thanks Ron, I'm gonna go to bed now." Hermione stood up and gave Ron the purple sock she had just found under Ron's shoe. He gave her a smile so large his face almost split in half.

"I love you!" He screeched, just as Harry entered the room.

Hermione nodded to Ron and looked up at Harry. Their eyes met, but Hermione narrowed hers into warning slits.

Then, she went upstairs to actually go to sleep, but not before she wrote in her diary.

"**_To-Do" List:_**

_Harry_–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point.


	2. Snape

Chapter Two—Snape

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was tres amusant and splendid. Harry enjoyed it also, and Ron was oblivious, as always.

It was a very…interesting day for me. However, I plan to start today off with a bang. Literally.

I'm not quite sure who I will do today. I guess whoever comes along first…oh! Neville just walked into the common room!

Luv luv, Hermione

"Hello Neville!" Hermione smiled at the bumbling boy as he tripped into the common room. "How are you on this gorgeously sunny Saturday morning at 8:39 AM, to be exact?"

Neville sadly looked at his Birkenstocks. "Not well, Hermione," he said as he slumped into a chair. "Snape assigned me a 548,000 foot long parchment to write on the art of Potions. He says I spill everything so much and I don't appreciate his art. I don't even know how to spell potions, let alone appreciate it as an art form!" Neville sobbed.

"Oh, Neville…" Hermione got up and sat on Neville's lap, nicely stroking his thigh, planting loving kisses on his forehead, and getting a little too comfortable.

"Do ya think you can help me write it, Hermione?" Neville looked into her eyes hopefully.

"No, Neville…I'll do something even more helpful!" Hermione said energetically.

Neville glanced at her chest hopefully and said, in a voice shaking with RISING excitement, "Really? Wh….what will you do, H-Hermione?"

"Oh, Neville, it will be terrific!" Hermione squeezed his knee stroked his lips with her pinky. Neville perked up with excitement….literally. "I will go and talk to Snape for you!"

Neville's hope deflated like when a balloon meets a fork. "Oh….gee, thanks, Hermione!"

"Anytime, Neville! Really, anytime." Hermione spat out emphasis on "really" and "anytime," her eyebrows raised.

With a final squeeze of Neville's knee, Hermione jumped up and grabbed her bag. "Well, no time to lose! I'm off to…eh, negotiate with Professor Snape about your essay. Tootaloo!"

As Hermione skipped out of the common room, Neville watched her jiggle with deep longing. Then he went to eat some eggs.

As Hermione walked along the corridor to the dungeon, she thought about removing her bra. Instead, though, she just magicked her bra tighter, seeing how Snape, as an adult as well as a professor would enjoy a challenge.

"Professor Snape?" Hermione called out, tapping the doorframe as she reached Professor Snape's private quarters. "Helllloooooo? Anybody hoooome?"

Hermione quickly glanced down the corridor, and, seeing that everybody else was at breakfast, opened the door to Snape's room (it was a known fact throughout Hogwarts that professors' doors were always open to needy students).

"Perfect," she purred, when she saw it was also deserted. Quickly, she used her wand to change her knee-length skirt and white blouse into a black corset with lace edges, with tiny black leather boyshorts, black fishnets, black high-heeled Mary Janes, and black suspenders. Then, she turned her hair into long, straight black hair, and put some black eyeliner, black lipstick, and red mascara onto her face. Finally, she hand-cuffed herself to Snape's bedposts (after using her wand to clean the sheets, because who knows when Snape last showered?). Now all she had to do was wait and mentally prep for the incoming hurricane. With her legs spread, facing the door.

A few minutes later, just as Hermione had finished planning her course of action, the door handle turn and Snape walked into the room. With a sigh, he immediately turned and locked his door. Then he turned around and noticed Hermione, watching him coyly from the bed, her hands chained and her legs spread.

"Ms. Granger! What are you doing in my private chambers!" Snape exploded with rage. "This is completely unacceptable!" Hermione puffed out her chest with pride as she noticed that, although he was mad at her, Snape's eyes kept wandering over her body, glinting with desire.

"Well, I was hoping it would be you," Hermione said, crossing her legs, "but that's up to you."

"Ms.Granger, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I don't what to say. What are YOU saying? I don't know," Snape mumbled. "I'm a teacher," he said, "and one of Voldemort's followers," he muttered his breath. "And what are you doing in here, you dirty mudblood?"

Hermione grinned at him and uncrossed her legs. She laughed as she noticed that Snape's eyes drifted down when she did that. "Just so you know, it's always been the older, more mature, men of an evil nature that have turned me on. And you are right about one thing—I'm definitely dirty," she purred.

"Um…well, this really isn't suitable at all!" Snape yelled, flustered, as he took off his cloak and took a bottle of wine from a cabinet. "I mean, honestly, I'm a professor, and you are a sixteen-year-old…sixteen-year-old…a bloody sixteen-year-old who looks like my steamy sex slave…a sixteen-year-old…with a fantastic body…a sixteen-year-old, a sixteen-year-old virgin, a sixteen-year—DAMMIT, GIRL, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!" Snape hurriedly whipped off his clothes, and Hermione tried not to wince. But he was on the List, after all.

"I can't," she giggled, "that's your job, because I'm your kinky angel of darkness who is chained to this bed for all your using pleasure! Oh, and you think I'm a virgin? Well, you have another think coming." She arched her back in the air and shoved her shorts in his face. "Now take them off!"

Snape was able to get off her pants, fishnets and suspenders (he didn't have to worry about underwear because Hermione never wore anymore these days), but had difficulty with her corset. "DAMN THESE TIES! ONLY A GENIUS COULD FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THIS OFF! IT'S NOT A CORSET, IN FACT—IT'S AN ANTI-PENETRATION VEST OF DOOM!" Snape growled in frustration.

Hermione sighed. "The laces are just for show, Severus (or should I say Sexyus?), it's Velcro.

"Enh….right…." Snape blushed and ripped off the corset.

"Ahh, I've got you blushing now, have I?" Hermione laughed and, with her wand between her teeth, zapped away her handcuffs. "Great, now I can move!" Hermione's nails dug into Snape's back and pulled her closer.

"DAMN YOUR SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD FOXYNESS!" He collapsed his body onto hers, and the game began.

2.309 hours later, the two were lying in bed; Snape looked close to death and Hermione's cheeks were flushed.

"Well…Ms. Granger…" Snape said, between taking gulps of air.

"Well, Professor," Hermione said sarcastically.

"What was that again that you wanted to see me for?"

Hermione flipped onto her side and propped her head on her hand. "I'll agree never to tell anyone about this if you tell Neville he doesn't have to do that reallllly looong essay you assigned him. OR any other extra work."

Snape looked disgusted for a moment, and then said, "Fine," he pouted.

Hermione smiled triumphantly, and the two got up and got dressed.

As Hermione unlocked the door and took a step out, she turned back to Snape. "Thank you for the extra help, Professor," she said in a posh voice.

"Yes, well, Ms. Granger, I hope to see you again next month? If not sooner?" Snape said, clutching her arm hopefully.

"No."

"Are you sure? I really think you need extra help."

"No."

"But I'll pay you!"

"No."

"But—"

"No, Professor, this was a one time thing. Which we will never speak of again. So, thank you for the help, and I'll see you in class on Monday." Hermione turned her back on a scowling Snape, and headed back to the room.

"_**To-Do" List:**_

_Harry_–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point. 8/10

_Snape—_Check. A bit much—yelled a lot, and was a bit on the wrinkly and unclean side. 2.3 /10


	3. Neville

**Dedication: To, Your Mom**

**Dear Diary,**

It is still Saturday. I got with Snape this morning, but I haven't talked to Neville since then.

I think I might go look for him to tell him the good news! And…maybe some other stuff, if you get my drift.

Currently, I am enjoying a crisp strudel, with a hint of lemon, a dash of cinnamon…and your taste buds pick up a little bit of blueberry; just enough to make you taste the artificially flavored raspberry gel. Also, I detect a hint of Swedish meatballs.

Note to Self: SPEND MORE TIME WITH RON!

Second Note to Self: TAKE GUM OUT OF RON'S EARS. BEEN THERE FOR WEEKS.

Third Note to Self: MAKE TAPERED PANTS FOR RON.

Fourth Note to Self: I DON'T REALLY HAVE A FORTH NOTE TO SELF…EH…RON.

**Luv luv, Hermione**

"Neville! Just the person I was looking for!" Hermione put down her diary as Neville walked (no…more like thumped) into the common room.

"Really, um…Her…Her…Hermione, is it?" Neville gaped at her shirt, which was unbuttoned halfway to reveal her lacy black Victoria's Secret IPEX bra, which enclosed her generous cleavage. "Is that a Victoria's Secret?" asked Neville.

"Yes, they just inserted one in Hogsmeade, right next to the Shrieking Shack. Ever wonder where the shrieking comes from?" Hermione straddled an armchair and parted her legs (she wasn't wearing underwear…again) and twirled a generous lock of curly auburn hair around her middle finger.

Neville stared on in amazement as he got a little antsy in his pantsy, if you know what I mean. "So would you like a drop of brandy, Hermione A little drop of brandy for the little sex goddess?" Neville pulled a large bottle from his pants.

"Well that explains a lot," Hermione muttered. "Actually, Neville, darling, you MUST be joking. I NEVER, EVER in a million trillion years, have a 'LITTLE DROP' as you so eloquently put it, of brandy." She stood up and sashayed over to him, grabbing the bottle. "I have it all." She put the bottle to her lips and downed it in one gulp.

Neville stared on.

"Oh, sorry, did you want some? Well, there's none left in this bottle so too bad. Do you have another?" Hermione pouted sweetly as Neville produced another bottle out of his pants.

"Sorry, Hermione, I only this bottle of water." Neville looked at it sadly, afraid to part with it.

"Perfect, that's even better," she purred. Hermione grabbed the bottle, unscrewed the cap, and slowly poured it over herself in slow-motion, slowly wagging her head from side to side.

Neville stared on.

"Oh deary me," said Hermione, "it looks like my shirt is see through. I wish to take it off, but my hands are full with these bottles. Could you possibly be a doll and take it off for me please?" Hermione smiled sweetly and held the bottles away from her to give him some room to work.

"Nivguymdnl," said Neville as he got under her arms to take off her sopping see through blouse. As he got it unbuttoned, Hermione dropped the bottles.

"Oops," she said, before whipping off her shirt completely and tackling Neville to the ground.

"Hermione, don't you think that, right here in the common room, people might see us?" questioned Neville as she unbuttoned his pants.

"Oh, no worries," Hermione said, whipping out Harry's invisibility cloak.

"WHOA! Where did you get that invisibility cloak!" Neville exclaimed, partly because he was surprised at Hermione's quick wit and use of cloak and half at her luscious body.

"Oh...um…let's just ignore that, shall we?" Hermione threw the cloak over them, just in time as some first years walked into the room.

Though Hermione tried, however, she was not able to cover a slight bit of Neville that went unnoticed.

"OH MY HIPPOGRIFF!" exclaimed a little girl. "Look! It's a floating penis!"

The rest of them looked on, and Colin Creevey appeared and took a picture to post in the Hogwarts Grind.

Hermione poked her head out of the cloak and glanced at the penis (which wasn't really that big, no need to make such a fuss. I mean, it's just a floating penis for goodness sake.) and the first years.

"I think we need that in here thanks," said her head as she grabbed the penis and stuffed it back in the cloak. "Ta ta!" Her head disappeared.

The first years shrugged and headed down to lunch. They were used to these sorts of things by now. Teenagers are so strange with their hormones and such.

"Now, Neville, where were we?" Hermione smushed her lips against his, both of them fully naked.

10 minutes later, Harry walked in, muttering to himself about his "missing invisibility cloak," when he noticed a chair bumping up against the wall.

Harry stared at it for a moment before exclaiming, "What the fresh hell is this! RON, COME HERE, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!"

Ron entered the room slowly. "What's up, mate? Whoa, neat, a moving chair!" Ron stood wide-eyed.

"Ron, have you seen my invisibility cloak?" Harry scratched his penis.

"No, have you seen Neville and Hermione? I haven't seen them for ten minutes. Should we call Dumbledore? Scotland Yard? The Ministry of Magic? The Quidditch Team!" Ron jumped around waving his arms.

"Nope, haven't a clue,' said Harry, as a loud cry of "Oh Neville, your penis! Unghhh!" was heard from near the chair.

The moaning sound was heard for all of one minute while Harry and Ron started at the chair.

"Oh my Godric Gryffindor's Penis! That chair is haunted!" Harry yelled quietly.

"And what does it have against Neville's penis? It's really nothing special—I have a picture of it in my diary." Ron shrugged.

Harry looked at Ron. "Ron, stop being so queer."

"Sorry mate, right, so let's go grab ourselves some chocolate strawberries, because they really get you in the mood." Ron headed out of the portrait hole.

"I want a side of penis cake!" Harry yelled as he followed Ron out the door. "Did you know that penis cake is actually made from fresh papaya? You think they have it in the Great Hall? If not, I know it's a House Elf delicacy."

4 minutes later, Hermione and Neville were lying side by side under the cloak. Neville had a huge smile on his face and was panting really hard after burning off 360 calories.

The first years re-entered the common room.

"Oh my fluffy penis!" screamed the little first year girl again. "Look, a floating vagina!" She pointed in the corner by the chair, as Colin snapped away.

"ARGHGFLRFYHGBN!" Hermione let out an angry primal scream and the first years screamed and ran away.

"HAUNTED VAGINA!" They yelled as they ran around in circles bumping into random chairs. One of the boys started to undo his pants.

"WHOA! Hold it right there, Günter!" The screaming first year girl slapped him. "You only do that with me!" Silently, Günter buttoned up his pants and sat down.

"Well, you know you can't tell anyone, mate." Hermione patted Neville's head as he started to get dress. "Or else I'll have Snape stab you in the heart with a pitchfork." She smiled sweetly at him.

Neville looked on, frightened at her naked form. Now that he was fully dressed, he popped out of the cloak. "Right," he said.

Hermione stood up and draped the cloak over her shoulders.

The first years stared in awe at her naked bod.

"What?" Hermione put her hand on her hip. "You ain't never seen a naked woman before?" They shook their heads. "Oh…well, now you have." She sauntered towards the girls dormitories.

"Oh, and Neville," she said, and he turned around. "You don't have to write that essay for Snape. I handled it, luv." She winked at him and headed up the stairs, since it was now 2:37 PM.

"_**To-Do" List:**_

_Harry_–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point. 8/10

_Snape—_Check. A bit much—yelled a lot, and was a bit on the wrinkly and unclean side. 2.3 /10

_Neville—_Check. Tiny penis. Not too smart. Totally inexperienced. What was I thinking? And what WAS that green thing! **-**654/10


	4. Ben

**Dedicated to our favorite man-whore and loyally faithful reader…A.K.A PPQ.**

**Dear Diary,**

So I just back from helping Neville with his homework. He really appreciated it. He just wanted more and more help, but I just couldn't push myself any farther. He needs to learn to stand on his on two feet and live without me.

Anyways, I still have a full day ahead of me. There are people to do, places to go with them. And I still need to spend time with Ronald…and make him those tapered pants…

**Luv luv, Hermione **

Hermione had just finished showering and was leaving the bathroom heading outside toward Hagrid's hut and the pumpkin patch. Her white shirt was still wet and see-through, and she had no underwear on.

As she walked towards the pumpkin patch, she saw a tall, skin-headed boy bent over one of the large round vegetables. As she got closer, she saw him caressing the pumpkin, murmuring to himself, "Yeah baby, come on, come on." The way his hands slid over the large orange vegetable really turned her on.

"Hello there, stranger. I haven't seen you around these parts before." Hermione went up to the boy and straddled a pumpkin, her skirt completely open and ready for public-viewing.

"Yeah," he said, openly peeking into her skirt, "I come her often. There's just something about the orange, and the roundness, that's so magical…"

"Well, aside from the part that this is a school for magic, I think that's wonderful." Hermione leaned down into this face, thrusting her basoomas upon him. "But I think you need something more than pumpkins."

"I'm Ben," he said, thrusting his hand into her face. "Nice to meet you. Really." He smiled at her suggestively.

"Hi, I'm Hermione. Would you like to meet me back here in five minutes?" Hermione squeezed his thigh.

"Sure. I spend all my time here; I have nowhere I've got to be…No life practically. I just kind of live in this daze where I dream about things but nothing ever--"

"Ok, I get it," Hermione snapped. "Just stay here, I'll be right back."

**Five Minutes Later**

"Hubba hubba!" Ben screamed when he saw Hermione. He quickly leapt up from his perch atop a pumpkin and raced over to meet her.

Hermione was dressed head-to-toe in full nurse theme. She had on a tiny little nurse suit, most of the buttons open, and a cute little hat with a red cross on it. Her lips were bright red, and her hair was blonde and curly. "Do you want to play doctor, Benny boy? You can be the gynecologist, I can be the patient."

Ben looked deep in thought for a quick moment. "What's that?" He asked after a pause. "Plus, I don't have any equipment with me."

"Who cares what it is! And you have all the equipment you need…right here." Hermione looked him straight in the eye as she grabbed his nether parts.

"Have you ever been all the way before?" She asked, massaging his pants.

"Well, there was this one time at a neighborhood picnic…we were playing manhunt, and there was this girl Miranda on my team. She's my grandfather's granddaughter. It got pretty steamy. We were laying down in some random person's yard behind a garden. There was a bit of below waist activity, but no farther than that. But we got interrupted before taking off our clothes because this girl on the other team walked by and wanted to join in. However, it was too hard for me to decide because I need a specified point of concentration, so I declined and we left. I got her number though."

Hermione nodded sympathetically. "I don't care about your stupid moment of glory. It's probably not even true." She grabbed him by the belt and pulled him closer.

Ben nodded in agreement; his moment really wasn't all that great. Then he realized what Hermione was after, so he took off all his clothes and stood naked in the pumpkin patch.

"I like it rough," he said with a promiscuous wink, "but we can start off slow and sensual. You seem decently attractive."

"DECENTLY!" Hermione shrieked. "I am the epitome of perfection! My body rivals that of a goddess!" Hermione threw her arms around him and dug her nails into his back. "Now let's play doctor, babe."

"Good good. I'm ready to stab you with my needle…" He pulled her the ground, one hand in Hermione's unmentionable cavern and one hand on a pumpkin.

Exactly 23 minutes later, the two pulled apart, Ben moaning in glorious ecstasy and Hermione sighing, disgruntled.

"Excellent!" Ben grinned and grabbed Hermione's boob.

"Hands off the merchandise, pally! Your time has expired!" Hermione stood up and brushed the dirt and bits of pumpkin that had splattered everywhere after Ben had gotten a little too excited and smashed a pumpkin.

"You were WAY better than Miranda!" Ben grinned happily as he pulled on his Nets jersey and plaid Bermuda shorts.

"I know. I am better than everyone." Hermione yawned. "I've done better, anyways."

"Alright. Well I'll just be heading back to Hufflepuff now. Would you help me carry this pumpkin back? It'd a biggie." Ben wiggled his eyebrows at her.

"Yeah, it's a biggie all right, unlike some things I could mention..." Hermione mumbled under her breath.

"So you'll help me?" He grinned as he put his arms around half the pumpkin.

Hermione whirled to face him, her eyes alight a fiery. "What! All I do is give and give and give, and what do I get! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. No, I will not help you carry your fucking pumpkin! Go find some queer to help you!" Hermione stormed off angrily, leaving Ben alone with the pumpkins that were so dear to him.

"So I'll see you around then?" Ben called.

"NO." Hermione yelled, then pointed her wand at him and turned him into a pumpkin.

"Hermione! What did yer do that for?" Hagrid said, noticing Hermione's transfiguration.

"Don't worry, he'll be happier that way," Hermione said, stalking off.

"Oh great," Hagrid mumbled as Hermione headed up the hill, "that's another pumpkin I have to take special care of….Oh, I know what ter do! I'll take the pumpkin ter see the new Scarlett Johansen film!" He said happily as he went to get the pesticide.

"_**To-Do" List:**_

_Harry_–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point. 8/10

_Snape—_Check. A bit much—yelled a lot, and was a bit on the wrinkly and unclean side. 2.3 /10

_Neville—_Check. Tiny penis. Not too smart. Totally inexperienced. What was I thinking? And what WAS that green thing! **-**654/10

_Ben—_Check. Not horrible, but definitely not great. He was just my quickie; I had nothing else to do. Too many pumpkins. And orange is SO not my color. 4/10


	5. Malfoy

**From caitgraz: We know you have all been requesting Malfoy, and this is his chapter. Honestly, we were going to Do him. Did you really think we wouldn't? But we had to wait for the proper moment in the plot…**

**Dear Diary, **

So now it's 4:00 PM on Saturday afternoon. My day is quite busy! I have a full schedule, and I've already helped Snape, Neville, and this kid Ben get their work done. It was very productive and they thanked me within an inch of their measly lives.

Though it has been fun mucking around and whatnot, I do believe it is time to get down to business. Today, I start on my path of goodness that will help me achieve my goal. Oh, sweet times are ahead, Captain…

**Luv luv,** **Hermione**

Hermione smiled as she sat down to lunch with Ron and Harry. "Hey there, Ron, darling, how was your day? And yours too, Harry dear." Hermione put her hand in Ron's lap and started feeling him up.

"Holy cow turds that's invigorating!" Ron jumped up.

"Ouch!" Hermione faked. "Gee thanks Ron, now I have a leg cramp! I need to take a walk." She stood up angrily. "And I need to hike up my skirt so my poor leg can get a healing breeze."

"But Hermione," said Harry, always looking out for her best interests, "you haven't even touched your supper!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and took a bite out of the roasted pig that was on the table. Now its nose was gone. "There, happy?" She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand and got up and headed to the Slytherin table.

"Hey there, Malfoy," she said seductively. "Do you have any…er, pig nose left? We seemed to have run out of it." Hermione leaned over onto the table to expose a bit of her generous cleavage.

"Shut it, Mudblood. We don't have any pig noses for you here, do we lads?" Malfoy chortled with his pals.

Hermione sighed and grabbed the pig nose and shoved it in Malfoy's pants. "I know you like to play _dirty_, so would you like to join my playpen?"

Malfoy started up at her and down at the pig nose in his pants. "Oy, lads, I need to use the little gentleman's room. Talk to you later, eh?" Silently, he got up and followed Hermione out of the Great Hall.

A few minutes later, the two were up in Malfoy's dorm room.

"So, Hermione, why the sudden change of heart?" Malfoy sat down on a bed, fell off, and then got back on, blushing, and pleasantly conjured a rose. "A rose for the most beautiful girl in school," he said, handing it to her.

"Gee thanks," Hermione grabbed the rose and chucked it over her shoulder. "So, here's the deal, and I'm gonna be completely honest with you: I want to have a relationship with you behind Ron's back and I want to vacation with you in your second home in France, by all those nude beaches I've heard so much about."

"Uhm, I'm not sure…" Malfoy pouted his lips and stroked his hair back as he thought about her demand.

Hermione rolled her eyes and pulled off her shirt. Malfoy's eyes widened, and he was quick to say yes.

"Heck yes I would go out with you behind Ron's back and take you to my second home in France with all the nude beaches you've heard so much about."

"Good. Now, let's do something to get our relationship on a roll." Hermione took off her skirt and sandals and magicked Draco's clothes off.

"Whoa! Didn't see that coming!" Malfoy put his hands on his hips, proud to display his crown jewels for all they were worth….which was nothing.

Hermione jumped his bones and tackled him to the floor. A few minutes later, Hermione said, between fervent kisses of passion, "Let's move this up a notch, shall we?" Malfoy nodded and the two moved up to a bed.

The two managed to get under the sheets and have a pleasant romp before the sounds of the other boys could be heard on the stairwell.

"Oh my Helga Hufflepuff's vagina!" Malfoy screeched and jumped up just as the boys entered the room.

All the chatter died down suddenly as the other boys took in the scene: Malfoy was standing naked, and Hermione was in the bed, no bothering to hold the sheet to her chest.

"This isn't what it looks like," Malfoy started.

"Yes it is," Hermione snapped, standing and wrapping her arms around Malfoy. "You lads don't mind if we continue on, do you?"

They all shook their heads, and one of them screamed, "Get Colin Creevey in here!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and pulled Malfoy back into the bed.

The other boys settled down to watch, and one of them got out some pumpkin juice and some chocolate frogs.

"What! What's going on?" Colin suddenly burst into the room, camera in hand.

The boys cheered and one of them grabbed Colin and helped him point his camera at the action.

Colin grinned madly and pointed his camera, recording everything.

22.3 hours later, all the spectators had fallen asleep, and Malfoy was snoring softly.

Hermione, however, was on her back, staring at the canopy above the bed, which had a pinup of a naked Gilderoy Lockhart holding a whip on it.

Quietly, Hermione got up and walked o Malfoy's trunk, her naked curves shining in the moonlight. When she began rummaging, Malfoy sat up with a start.

"What are you doing!" Malfoy screeched.

"Oh Drakiekins, do not fear! I am just going through your private belongings for a picture of your father." Hermione pulled one out at looked at it. It was a nice picture. The Malfoys had been vacationing in Sweden, so Mr. Malfoy only had on a Speedo. Malfoy, however, was wearing a pink plaid kilt with black fishnets and white patent leather tap shoes. He was also bare-chested, but he had a rainbow painted on his left nipple.

Hermione held up the picture. "Drakiekins, what do you have to say about this?"

"Oh," Malfoy whispered, "that was my gay stage."

Hermione looked at him. "No, I meant the absence of your mother, Malnutrition."

Draco looked at her. "Her name's Narcissa," he said, "and she was getting a lower-body massage from the pool boy Esteban that day."

"Oh, really, Drakiekins? Is there any problem with their relationship? Is there a divorce in the works? A sudden dose of food poisoning, perhaps?"

"No, their relationship is fine…my mother constantly thanks God for Esteban, though." Malfoy scratched his nipple.

"Oh," Hermione said innocently. "That's too bad. Now, why don't you go back to sleep, Drakiekins?" She blew Malfoy a kiss.

"Ok." Malfoy's head immediately hit the pillow with a "pfft" sound as he fell back to sleep.

Hermione glanced down at the picture in her hand, smiling to herself. "Perfect," she whispered, stroking Lucius Malfoy's face with her finger.

"**_To-Do" List:_**

_Harry_–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point. 8/10

_Snape—_Check. A bit much—yelled a lot, and was a bit on the wrinkly and unclean side. 2.3 /10

_Neville—_Check. Tiny penis. Not too smart. Totally inexperienced. What was I thinking? And what WAS that green thing! **-**654/10

_Ben—_Check. Not horrible, but definitely not great. He was just my quickie; I had nothing else to do. Too many pumpkins. And orange is SO not my color. 4/10

_Malfoy_—Check. Pretty good. Decent bod. Posse is too large, though. Father is SMOKING! Now I can carry on with my goal… 7.1/10


	6. A Mosh and A Moment

**The long awaited new chapter! Please review:D**

**Dear Diary,**

Last night was _amazing_! Malfoy was decently incredible in bed and he totally worshipped me! So now it's Sunday morning and I think we are going to officially announce to everyone but Ron that we are "going out". Besides, even if someone told Ron, he probably wouldn't understand. The only words he understands are "food," "sex," and "socks."

So now I am off to breakfast, still keeping "The List" in mind. Even if I will have 2 boyfriends. After all, third one's the charm. ;-)

**Luv luv, Hermione**

Hermione yawned and turned over in bed, glancing at her watch. It was 7:53 AM. With a tired groan, she got up and got dressed and ready. She had a big day ahead of her.

"Good morning Ron," she said as she kissed him in the common room.

"Guf mognign!" He said stupidly, trying to talk as her lips were on his.

Hermione glanced at Harry as she made out with Ron. He looked at her then looked down. So Hermione looked down…it was like a chain reaction.

Hermione's eyes bulged at Harry's pants. Ever since she had done it with him, he had been nothing but a walking erection.

Harry looked back up to Hermione and sighed sadly. He would never have her pleasure him again, and he knew it.

"Well Ron," she said, pulling away, "I must be off. I've got to go to the library to research…animal mating." She grinned at what she knew she would find there. Boy, would she be an animal! So she was gonna read up to learn some tips.

"Ok, I'll come with you!" He offered, always the helpful, faithful boyfriend.

"No, really Ron," said Hermione in a stern voice. "I need my space."

"But Hermy, I never see you anymore!" Ron whined, sadly grabbing her hand. He wanted to grab other parts of her, but he didn't.

"Now, now, Ron, let's not argue in public. I am the epitome of being incognito." She quickly glanced around her, and then leaned in to him. "However, I promise to do you later," she said loudly with a wink.

Ron perked up a bit, literally, and let her go, waving good-bye a little bit sadly.

Hermione blew him a kiss and went off to meet Draco in the library.

A FEW MINUTES LATER…

"Drakiekins! Where are youuuu?" Hermione called to the deserted library, in a sing-song voice. Usually, the library was closed on Sundays, but she "earned" special privileges, courtesy of the male librarian.

"Guess who?" A deep, silky voice said, wrapping his arms around her waist and slipping them into her pants, while stabbing her in the back with something.

Hermione giggled and turned around, wrapping her arms around his neck. She kissed him, then said, "Is that a sword in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" He laughed and kissed her.

"So, babe, I have a surprise for you." He pulled a pair of tickets from within.

"Ehmagawd, those are NOT a pair of tickets!" She giggled and bounced up and down, knowing how much Malfoy liked to watch her basoomas jiggle.

"Yeah, they're for the Weird Sisters concert in Hogsmeade tonight." Malfoy grinned and pulled her closer. "However, to earn these tickets, there's a catch. If you want to go with me tonight, you need to do me, right now." He winked at her and started unbuttoning her blouse, right in the middle of the restricted section of the library.

Hermione sighed. She pretended like letting him do her was a big annoyance, but she really loved all the attention.

"Well, I really DO want those tickets," she said, both of them fully naked. And then the oral sex began.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Hermione looked in her full-length mirror. She thought she looked pretty swell. She was wearing a micro-micro black leather miniskirt, with black fishnet tights, and a red lacy corset. She was also wearing knee-high leather stiletto boots and her hair was teased to perfection. Her lips were red and glossy, and her eyeliner was heavy. She had the "sexy bad girl" look down. Malfoy would love it.

Hermione smiled to herself as she walked down to the Gryffindor common room, heading to the front door of the school to meet Draco.

"Hello Harry," she said, encountering Harry on the landing. Harry ogled her goodies before tripping and falling over the banister. Hermione laughed.

"Hello Ron," Hermione said, kissing Ron. She was a bit nervous at this point, but the nervousness quickly vanished…this was RON she was dealing with, after all.

"'Ello pickle," he said, "You look nice!" He grabbed her luscious, round hiney.

Hermione kicked him in the face. "Ronald, you are such a pig, honestly!" She scoffed at him before angrily stomping out of the common room.

"Bye lovely!" He called. Hermione whipped around and gave him the middle finger.

"Hells yes, fuck me bitch!" He whistled in regards to her hand gesture.

Harry instantly perked up from the pool of blood he was laying in under the banister. "And me!" He yelled excitedly.

Hermione shook her head sadly and went to meet Malfoy.

THREE MINUTES LATER

Draco was standing in a shadowy section of floor near the front door. He looked up when he saw her. "Hey, babe," he said, wrapping her in his arms and passionately kissing her. Hermione smiled internally and let him do whatever he wanted to her for a few minutes.

Finally, she pulled away, gasping for breath. "But aren't we going to be late for the concert?" she asked.

"But we're making beautiful music right here, girl." He thought for a second. "You're more of a woman, actually."

"Damn right I am!" She said, reaching into his pants to grab the tickets from his butt.

"Whoa Nelly," he screeched, loving every minute of it. Hermione grabbed him by the belt and pulled him out into the crisp night air.

ONE HOUR LATER

"Tickets please," said the gruff, muscled bouncer guarding the door to the Three Broomsticks nightclub.

"Here," Hermione smiled coyly and slowly dipped the tickets into his pants. The bouncer looked taken aback for a minute, but then looked at her and grinned.

"So what are you doing later tonight?" he asked. Malfoy got very angry.

"GET AWAY FROM MY WOMAN!!!" He yelled, punching the bouncer to death. "AND STAY DOWN!" he finished, spitting on the corpse.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It was no big deal, Drakiekins, I can't help that I'm wanted by all who lay eyes upon me." Suddenly, Hermione looked up to see Madam Rosmerta looking at her, giving her the ol' eye.

Hermione turned back to Malfoy. "See what I mean?"

Malfoy nodded and led her into the club. The Sisters were just starting, so he pushed his way right into the middle of the crowd.

"Holy Romerta's thong, someone just put their hands into my skirt!" Hermione gasped. "Drakie, quickly, put me on your shoulders so your hair can tickle my vagina!"

Malfoy grinned and picked her up, just as the music began. A few minutes into the concert, the mosh pit started up. Hermione took that as an opportunity to jump off of his shoulders and into the crowd, completely disregarding the puncture wounds she made in his shoulders with her boots.

"Rock on!!" Hermione laid back, loving the feeling of everybody's hands on her. "_This is how it should be all the time,"_ she thought to herself. Why didn't she just take off her clothes and let the crowd shag her?

ONE HOUR LATER

Eventually, she was deposited on the edge of the crowd, right next to Draco. With a yawn, she looked around. So they sat down on the floor together.

"Draco, I'm bored," she said.

"Well, what do you want to do?" He asked suggestively. An image of Ron suddenly popped into Hermione's head, and she was struck by a tiny wave of guilt.

"Actually, I'm a bit tired; could we go back to Hogwarts now?" Hermione stood up and brushed off her skirt.

Draco tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. "But they haven't even started the Shagging Session yet!" he whined.

Hermione scoffed. "I'll just do you tomorrow, ok?"

He nodded, and the two started their walk back to the castle.

BACK IN THE COMMON ROOM

"Hello, Ronald," Hermione said, falling onto his lap in one of the cozy chairs in front of the fire.

"Hey, Hermione. I was waiting for you to come home. I missed you." Ron gave her a tender kiss on the mouth.

Hermione suddenly felt choke up and a little bit guilty for dating Malfoy and doing various people behind Ron's back.

"So what do you want to do, Ron? I'll do anything you want." Hermione already knew what he would say, so her hand was on the top button of her blouse, getting ready.

He glanced at her hand, then pushed her hand away gently and buttoned it back up, shocking Hermione. "If you don't mind, I kind of just want to sit by the fire and enjoy your company tonight. You can tell me about your weekend." Ron gave her a sweet smile.

Hermione's eyes watered. She knew she would have to lie about her whole weekend to him. Even though she did everyone behind his back, she really did love him. Sort of. At the moment.

"Do you mid if we just sit her quietly and enjoy the proximity of one another?" She asked, settling into the chair, squished up next to him.

"Sure," he said, kissing her. "I'm just glad to finally be spending some time with you."

Ron and Hermione sat together in the chair, their hands gently intertwining. A few hours later, they both were fast asleep, Hermione's head on Ron's shoulder.

Harry walked down into the common room, which was deserted except for Ron and Hermione. Silently, he lay down across both of their laps, and settled down to sleep.

"**_To-Do" List:_**

**There were a few quickies I did on here, but they weren't important enough to document so I will just list them here.**

_Harry_–Check. Good sex, though he did call me Myrtle at one point. 8/10

_Snape—_Check. A bit much—yelled a lot, and was a bit on the wrinkly and unclean side. 2.3 /10

_Neville—_Check. Tiny penis. Not too smart. Totally inexperienced. What was I thinking? And what WAS that green thing! **-**654/10

_Ben—_Check. Not horrible, but definitely not great. He was just my quickie; I had nothing else to do. Too many pumpkins. And orange is SO not my color. 4/10

_Malfoy_—Check. Pretty good. Decent bod. Posse is too large, though. Father is SMOKING! Now I can carry on with my goal… 7.1/10

_Lavender_—Check. She was a little too into the lesbian scene for comfort. I was just experimenting anyways, and it was fun to do someone on the Quidditch field. A bit messy, but oh well. 8.3/10

_Creevey Brothers_—Check. Colin seemed a bit more experienced, and Dennis kept fumbling around, like he didn't appreciate the huge sacrifice I made for him. 2.1/10


End file.
